I just realized, again, that I hate this life.
Every once in a while,
reality pokes through that carefully constructed wall,
of denial & self-delusion.
Life as I know it flits away,
day after day, faster & faster.
There doesn't seem to be a deeper meaning,
just a tired repetitive habit of living.
Each day never the same,
yet the same.
I don't let myself wallow in these thoughts for very long;
the fear of becoming thoroughly disenchanted,
a driving force for my child-like hopes and dreams.
There isn't a way out, except death.
But, there is something within me
that screams for me to make every minute count for something.
Which is quickly snuffed out by my despair & weakness.
Its a fight lasting forever in my mind.
I don't know what's stronger,
the will to live my life to the fullest,
or the oblivion that tempts and torments me.
These moods are erratic.
In a moment I will return to innocent naivety.